I can't hear you....I don't want to hear you...Talk to my lawyer please

I have not lived in the U.S. for almost 3 years. I was originally from California.  When I read the news from the U.S. I am constantly amazed at how people use the court systems to settle what I would consider personal differences.  From my vantage point, not only from reading the news, but looking at lists such as Tango-L,BANewcomers, BAExpats, it appears that people in the U.S. have forgotten how to interact with each other on a personal level.  It is much easier to go on the attack using whatever means one can: whether it be the Internet or a lawyer.

People no longer seem to communicate.  There appears to be this propensity to win at all costs.  I realize in American culture, there is the desire to be the best, to win at all costs.  I believe the real cost has been the loss of what Argentines constantly refer to as ser humano.  To be a human being.

In the last year or so there have been two cases involving tango teachers in the U.S. where American women have accused their tango teachers (men of course) of sexual harassment.  One man had charges brought against him by the woman for inappropriate touching in the class.

I don't know any of the people involved. I only know what I have read on the Internet of this case.  I do know many experiences of women who dance tango.  On my first trip to Buenos Aires, my "teacher"  tried to kiss me. I immediately pushed him away, took my things, and walked out.  There was no way I would have another class with an idiot like that.  It was not a question of strength or being afraid or being in a vulnerable position.  I never saw myself as a victim. The guy acted like a jerk. He did apologize.  But so what? It was never even a consideration to have another class with him. To do so, means that you accept this kind of behavior.

From what I read, this woman had 2 classes with this teacher.  Both times she alleged that the teacher touched her inappropriately.  What kind of person returns to a class where she was touched inappropriately in the first class? She had to make that appointment for the private lesson.  She had to show up. The guy touches her inappropriately so she makes another appointment for another private lesson?  If this is true, then what the hell was she thinking?  Then she goes and presses charges against him because he touched her inappropriately?  I don't get it.

Being advanced on in a tango class is not the same as your boss coming on to you, being jumped on the street, or your date getting you drunk and taking advantage. You have the power to say no and leave.  Please do not tell me I am simplifying. Please do not tell me I am blaming the victim. This is a tango class.  If the teacher  forces you to have sex against your will,(And I do mean force)  restrains you, this is rape. Inappropriate touching has a solution - you leave. You don't come back.  Do you really need to go and sue the person? Have them arrested? Is this what happens now?  Someone touches you in a way that is inappropriate, so you sue them?  You take them to court? You have them arrested?  You ruin their life?  Jeesh, this being the case, half of Buenos Aires would be in jail or never allowed back into the U.S.

When I lived in the Bay Area there was a teacher there who had "affairs" with his students.  All was well and fine, until the lovely ladies involved found out that they were not the only ones, all hell broke loose.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  I have seen the same thing happen here in Buenos Aires.  Over and over women come here.  They attach to these piranhas in the milongas like they are Dancing Gods from heaven.  All is well and good, until they find out, that they are not the only one.  Then the Dancing God from heaven becomes a pariah to attack and punish.  He done me wrong.  Considering you had two people in a room with no witnesses, no one really knows the truth do they?

Yes, it is not only the men who perpetrate this behavior, it is the women too.  The difference being what guy is going to go" Oh I took her class, and then she tried to kiss me."  Can you imagine a man taking his female tango teacher to court because she touched him in a class?  I know men this has happened to. They either go with it, or they tell the woman, thank you but no thank you and avoid her.  We want equality as women, but selectively, and at times when it benefits us.  Where did this intense need to flagellate, punish, and expose come from?

Contributing to this situation was a woman who posted to Internet her very strong opinion about this case and this man. She felt it was her duty to expose him.  She added that she has no personal stake.  That she does not teach, so this is not being done to wipe out her competition. Unfortunately both her web site and My Space profile say the opposite.  She does indeed teach tango in the same community.

Where does this hostility come from? 

Parts of this post appeared originally on Tango-L news list

Comments

[Bill]

I suspect the hostility comes from the fact that this is a professional situation and any adult male should know better. Simply walking out isn't going to improve the situation for future victims. It just allows the predator to try his (or her) luck with someone new. Legal action may be the only way to get a message across.

And yes, you do blame the victims with your comments. I doubt there would be legal action without some merit. I've seen Argentine in action on the streets, in clubs and on the dancefloors. Many times I've seen things that I would consider outright sexual harassment. I've also seen how it's tolerated and allowed to continue.

[Jotaele]

Hiterical maybe?

[Dieudonne Dang]

Thanks for you sensible reasoning, its a balm on many male Tango dancers' harts.

[Alex]

A voice of reason in the wilderness...great post Deby...I don't know where the hostility comes from...the woman has some sort of personal agenda/vendetta against the man...but you will note the photos on her myspace page...she didn't miss this guy's halloween milonga...

[nancy Ingle]

I say Amen again.

Deby, your email is bouncing. For two days. Is it just me?